Dedicate Post #1 and #2: creeper skeezer

So I’m dedicating this post to Purple after reading her creeper post since at least it reminded me of something to laugh about from my last restaurant. Unfortunately I have a Beowulf-Sir Gawain comparison essay open on my other Google Chrome tab so I gotta make this quick:

In my town we have a village idiot who travels up and down the south side of town along one major highway joining two other major highways. This whole tracking up and down goes past a lot of large restaurants and bars, so he’s known for going in somewhere (like the Fish Haus or the Scallop Haus) and sits down and bothers waitresses. He also never talks to guys (until I refused to accept stony silence, and then we got along OK). Ever. His facial structure and the way he walked spelled out “massively touched in the head” but his eyes seemed pretty perceptive (a.k.a. staring holes into anything that moved).

Well, he apparently knew my boss at my last job, the Fish Haus, and one of the bartenders here at the Pub because they used to work together in a huge dance venue/country bar a million years ago, and get this: THE CREEPER was their odd-job-go-to-guy because he didn’t ask to get paid much and would do grunt work for hours on end (like cleaning up the parking lot or taking out trash).

Village Idiot! Creeping out waitresses and picking up beer bottles since 1989!

Well one day last summer when I got promoted to bartending he came in to work the lunch shift holding up a sign on one of the highways that went by our restaurant and he and I wound up chilling at the bar waiting for something to happen (it was dead, as always). There was some crappy soap opera playing out a torrid love affair (snooze) on one of the tv’s and when my boss came up to me to give me change, paused, looked at the TV and asked “why are you watching this shit? It’s stupid?!” Village Idiot blinked then said “Nah, that’s ABC. In this one, Sandra and Steven are going to get married in Mexico, but her dad is trying to kill off Steven so he can’t steal their money and give it to his kids. I think it’s funny there’s a new guy playing Steven like no one would notice!” Shaking his head, he went back to watching the TV intently. Considering he never spoke, couldn’t read and didn’t seem capable of wiping his own ass on a good day, rattling off a commentary on a soap definitely made my jaw drop.

This reminds me of the other skeezy creeper we’d have at the Fish Haus. Actually I think I saw him around town, he rides a motorbike and looks like one of the Three Stooges, so this goes back before the Fish Haus. Apparently he’s well mannered, polite, and drinks only a few cocktails (alwaysalwaysalways just two strawberry margaritas at the Fish Haus, only two Bud Lights if he was somewhere that didn’t have strawberry flavoring stuff to make margaritas) and tips well, so I never took notice to him.


He apparently travels up and down the coast of the state on his days off from doing whatever (probably saving humanity or being a trauma pediatrician or something really decent) and blows off steam by, get this: He will go into bars, strip joints and nightclubs and if he likes his bartender or server, he will ask her (yes, her, always a beautiful her) to hit him.

Not with a bat or a monkey wrench. Not a box or a punch, but like Jason Alexander to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman: a few firm, good, backhands across his face. Enough to knock him out of the chair. And he’d pay them $200 cash, minimum, just for a few smacks. And then he’d sit back like nothing happened and leave after his two drinks were done.

I’ve heard stories about him from places in my city in the past few years, and even heard word that he’s made it up the coast by a few hours according to a stripper sister of a former coworker. He just makes me laugh. He’s so nice, but looks kinda odd, and is apparently such a freak under it all that I just have to laugh. Cause this is what I thought of every time I heard about him:


Yeah, smack me, ooh....yeah, harder. HARDER! HIT ME BITCH!

About Malachi the Drink Slinger

Finally transferring to that four year school in January, my goals made, my life set, the blinders dropped, my past signed and sealed, my future bright and airy, a writer, a thinker, a feeler, someone who is enthralled by beauty, an artist worth slightly more than two shits, a lover, a fighter, a person on the way to become the person I have always wanted to be....


  1. Hmmm… I think I’d have to take the $200 and smack the crap out of him! It’s really a win-win!

  2. Love your blog, will feature it on a list I am creating. You are an excellent writer!!! Better than me! hahahahah! I want to keep you in my inner circle of contacts.

    Thank you for reading my blog. Have no idea why the blogroll does not work, will try to find out.
    Stay cool!
    Hugs Pen

  3. Malachi,
    Wonderful to have you back again. You dear friend possess the same synergy. How you choose to deliver it belongs solely to your fingers as they tap on your keyboard. I choose to take a negative and turn it to a positive. I get quite enough bitching at work – where I am chock full of it. I’ve reached a point in my life where I want peace and tranquility… I seek a higher positive universe.

    Positive energy allows life to flow more freely and if you listen and watch carefully one always gravitates towards the light. Listening to the dark side of things is equally important because it allows us to distinguish light from dark, right from wrong. But for how long? You need to ask yourself if you are happier complaining about the errors or the hacking away at the solutions. You have your own sweet eloquent voice. You possess experience and therefore have every right to express your emotions and opinions any way you please – for that is what blogging is all about. At some point – dear friend it will become intolerable. It will make you grow weiry and will not fill you up – it will not make you happy or happier.

    I would never be able to dream, if I remained in negative energy. It would prevent me from smiling. That is just me and how I am wired. I am well aware of the A-listed of bitching bloggers and wish every single one of them EXTREMELY well – because they too fill a rich niche of readership followers – but for how long?

    Ask yourself something every time you read a posting? Does it make you feel good or angry? Resetting ones compass is easy as pie!
    Luv ya Malachi,
    Truly I do! We need your words – WRITE THEM!!!
    I adore your blog!

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