So I’m dedicating this post to Purple after reading her creeper post since at least it reminded me of something to laugh about from my last restaurant. Unfortunately I have a Beowulf-Sir Gawain comparison essay open on my other Google Chrome tab so I gotta make this quick:
In my town we have a village idiot who travels up and down the south side of town along one major highway joining two other major highways. This whole tracking up and down goes past a lot of large restaurants and bars, so he’s known for going in somewhere (like the Fish Haus or the Scallop Haus) and sits down and bothers waitresses. He also never talks to guys (until I refused to accept stony silence, and then we got along OK). Ever. His facial structure and the way he walked spelled out “massively touched in the head” but his eyes seemed pretty perceptive (a.k.a. staring holes into anything that moved).
Well, he apparently knew my boss at my last job, the Fish Haus, and one of the bartenders here at the Pub because they used to work together in a huge dance venue/country bar a million years ago, and get this: THE CREEPER was their odd-job-go-to-guy because he didn’t ask to get paid much and would do grunt work for hours on end (like cleaning up the parking lot or taking out trash).
Well one day last summer when I got promoted to bartending he came in to work the lunch shift holding up a sign on one of the highways that went by our restaurant and he and I wound up chilling at the bar waiting for something to happen (it was dead, as always). There was some crappy soap opera playing out a torrid love affair (snooze) on one of the tv’s and when my boss came up to me to give me change, paused, looked at the TV and asked “why are you watching this shit? It’s stupid?!” Village Idiot blinked then said “Nah, that’s ABC. In this one, Sandra and Steven are going to get married in Mexico, but her dad is trying to kill off Steven so he can’t steal their money and give it to his kids. I think it’s funny there’s a new guy playing Steven like no one would notice!” Shaking his head, he went back to watching the TV intently. Considering he never spoke, couldn’t read and didn’t seem capable of wiping his own ass on a good day, rattling off a commentary on a soap definitely made my jaw drop.
This reminds me of the other skeezy creeper we’d have at the Fish Haus. Actually I think I saw him around town, he rides a motorbike and looks like one of the Three Stooges, so this goes back before the Fish Haus. Apparently he’s well mannered, polite, and drinks only a few cocktails (alwaysalwaysalways just two strawberry margaritas at the Fish Haus, only two Bud Lights if he was somewhere that didn’t have strawberry flavoring stuff to make margaritas) and tips well, so I never took notice to him.
He apparently travels up and down the coast of the state on his days off from doing whatever (probably saving humanity or being a trauma pediatrician or something really decent) and blows off steam by, get this: He will go into bars, strip joints and nightclubs and if he likes his bartender or server, he will ask her (yes, her, always a beautiful her) to hit him.
Not with a bat or a monkey wrench. Not a box or a punch, but like Jason Alexander to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman: a few firm, good, backhands across his face. Enough to knock him out of the chair. And he’d pay them $200 cash, minimum, just for a few smacks. And then he’d sit back like nothing happened and leave after his two drinks were done.
I’ve heard stories about him from places in my city in the past few years, and even heard word that he’s made it up the coast by a few hours according to a stripper sister of a former coworker. He just makes me laugh. He’s so nice, but looks kinda odd, and is apparently such a freak under it all that I just have to laugh. Cause this is what I thought of every time I heard about him: