Detour: Lady Gaga “Judas”


Wow. I don’t even know how to begin. My girl Cordelia is going to slaughter me for insulting Teh Lehday GaGa but after viewing the music video for “Judas” I was like “whaaaa…..?” like when your daughter brings a hobo back from her walk and asks to keep it and name it Herbert. I know, I am not a holy roller nor am I an angel (and that photoshoot with a halo and little else doesn’t count, I know) but if there’s one thing you don’t talk smack about, it’s my mom. And the second of those two things is my faith because apparently I can’t count. So before I get myself  all Furious George again, on to the ‘show’…

First, she’s blinged out like she raided a Dollar General’s jewelry rack riding on the back of a motorcycle with someone wearing a crown of thorns. I mean, how did he not make a sharp turn and stab her in that face? “AH! Son of GOD that FUCKING hurt!”

Then she’s wearing a long purple cape on the same motorcycle as they pull into what appears to be a kegger in a backyard in Beverly Hills before later switching to what looks like the set of every Easter and Christmas play held in any Baptist Church, except she has people in very expensive rags dancing around instead of the deacon’s daughter in a cow costume crawling around on the floor. Never mind that famed artist and dancer Isadora Duncan died from a broken neck when a super long capey scarf thing got caught in the rear wheel of her car. You know. Then Gaga wouldn’t even be able to have an open casket funeral because of all the thorn wounds and stuff.

All because of that purple cape.

Being that she involves the most trivial things in her music videos (see: Where the Wild Things Are, Campari, the fact that Jesus Christ apparently dressed like a secondary character in the “Sons of Anarchy”) and the most bizarre things (pick one, anyone…lobster dress, a chandelier/salad bowl on her head, the assumed to be Ukrainian mob purchasing her is made of up gay porn stars and tattoo artists who like wearing metal chinstraps….except for the one straight guy, who died at the end after trying to nail her) ….

… was kinda amused that she’d rant “Judas” and “Juda, juda-ah-ah” because, hello, Jesus was the Lion of Judah. Haha, funny! Wow! Did your research, rock on!

Except I think she was just trying to do a new hit and decided to recycle the badassery of Bad Romance… not that she was schooled on the many names of God.

Moving along, at this kegger where she swoops in all fake and purple and Jesus apparently has dreads with bad blonde highlights and….French braids….? Then she does this dance routine dressed like a slutty Carmen Sandiego ripping off Shakira: “Waka Waka this time for Judas Judah”.

Ah-ah-ah.

Insert dances with claw hands (Bad Romance), dancing in a bar like version of the diner aka American Apparel ad (Telephone-except Beyonce isn’t walking around dressed like an acid trip from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Band and people aren’t, erm, DEAD in their food), a breakdown that apparently stemmed from getting drunk and “let’s say all of the whore words in the English language! At once!” except she missed “tart”, “slut” and various others…

Oh, and a blast from the past: a headdress last in fashion since 1300 AD when Eleanor of Aquitane was all the rage, and the fact that instead of any number of symbols on her face representing Christianity in its wonder and glory (the fish symbol popular on cars-termed the “icthus” that would have been perfect for eye makeup, a cross, one of those clover symbols representing the Trinity, Hebrew characters) she has the ancient Egyptian Eyes of Horus thing going on.

Wrong part of the Middle East BITCH!

Then the Bethlehem scene where she’s talking in this godawful “Jamaican” accent that, um, being that she’s the only one of a few white people in this entire scene and she’s talking all “Caribbean”? Why be ridiculously racist in unrhymed words about quicksand that I guess are supposed to mimic the Biblical admonishment about houses and sand and rock and….yeah. Why be racist, especially when misquoting scripture?

Because all she wants to do is just blend in and be left alone.

Duh.

Oh, and apparently her standing on a rock in that bizarre hands-on-the-hips-elbows-pointing-out pose that makes her belly fat pudge up but is supposed to be sexy? Is supposed to be a direct take from the famous painting “Venus” with the naked hot chick with her hands and hair covering the good bits while she stands on a shell with cherubs floating around on a beach somewhere? Yeah, I see a bitch on a rock with really yellow hair wearing a shower curtain. Not what passed for a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar 600 years ago.

And then it gets really trip because she’s somehow involved in Christ getting turned in by Judas, she keeps talking about “bringing him down/a king with no crown” but at the end she’s dressed like the Pillsbury Doughboy’s Victorian cosplay fanatic daughter getting stoned (no, haha, not that, like stoned )  and Jesus is still totally rocking that very painful crown of thorns.

Add the Biblical era hot tub scene where Judas is pouring beer on her ass and Jesus is just watching and chilling, bored senseless, unless this is all a part of some metaphor for the Savior’s fetish for voyeuristic golden shower-water sports homoerotic menage a trois-es….? And, um, ahem, the fact that these implications are ridiculously shitty?

And….the final shot of her dead on the ground is a direct rip-off I’d swear of the cover for Nicki Minaj’s debut album “Pink Friday”.

And everyone thought “Roman’s Revenge” was about L’il Kim.

I mean…..really? This stuff is laughably horrible and, to me, offensive. We can mock about anything, from dead baby and cripple jokes to the Velvet Mafia but seriously….show some respect. Go “vomit your mind” somewhere else.

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About Malachi the Drink Slinger

Finally transferring to that four year school in January, my goals made, my life set, the blinders dropped, my past signed and sealed, my future bright and airy, a writer, a thinker, a feeler, someone who is enthralled by beauty, an artist worth slightly more than two shits, a lover, a fighter, a person on the way to become the person I have always wanted to be....

3 comments

  1. Cordelia

    Guuuuuurl. I was just about to write an open letter to the Lady herself, on my blog of course. I’ll get to that when i am done here. I am NOT, i repeat NOT a fan of Judas, or Born this way, for that matter. The Lady has lost her touch…with reality. Not that she ever really had it to begin with. It used to be why i loved her, now, it’s why i am beginning to not be able to stand her. I completely agree with you. This shit is garbage.

  2. Pingback: Intermission: Dear Lady Gaga « …Because we're not all there.

  3. I just watched it. I don’t get it.

    At first, I thought “Cool, this bitch has a nice message to be yourself no matter what.”
    But more and more I’m thinking she’s just a bad Madonna ripoff in it for the shock value.

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