Bartending Pet Peeves


You have one minute to tell me where you put my strainers before I cut your heart out with a fragment of a broken tip jar.


Don’t borrow my winekey, it has much sentimental value.

If I am on service bar, don’t rearrange my ‘shit’ (jigger, small cap, pint glass, big shaker, in that order, facing away from me), shakers (fruity, clear, solo, dairy), my ice scoop (in hiding, I use a shaker tin, don’t tell DHEC) glassware (shots, 10 oz, 16 oz),  fruit tray (limes, lemons, oranges, olives, cherries), sugar/salt rimmer (out of my way and open at all times) my speed rails (vodkaginrumtequilabourbonblendjackjimpeachsococrown, I can make drinks in my sleep without looking), my ‘four’ (triple sec, lime, red shit, blue shit), my call rail (red stag, american honey, malibu, captain, bacardi, melon schnapps, apple pucker, cherry vodka, seagram’s, buttershots) or strainers (I use one and only one and somewhere in its own space where I can snatch it without knocking over anything).

Don’t snatch service tickets out of my hand. If I’m mobbed I’ll ask for help, I love service bar but I’m good at not letting myself get buried. Don’t disrupt my thought process.

Give me a section and stay out of my way.

Behind you. Please. It’s two words to make sure I don’t shatter a cocktail glass in your face.

Do not move my jigger.

When you make a shot, dump out the shaker and lay it upside down. Seriously. Please.

You are my barback. You are my bitch. I will pay you handsomely but if I say jump I expect you to bust out a yardstick.

Stab your tickets or I stab you. If I don’t like you I’ll remake everything and then act surprised when you come back and see a duplicate order. Better re-sell all of those shots of Patron before we….oh wait, we’re closed alreday?

3 shots 8 ways (for you people, you know who you are…) Get the fuck out of my face.

Where the fuck are my strainers?

About Malachi the Drink Slinger

Finally transferring to that four year school in January, my goals made, my life set, the blinders dropped, my past signed and sealed, my future bright and airy, a writer, a thinker, a feeler, someone who is enthralled by beauty, an artist worth slightly more than two shits, a lover, a fighter, a person on the way to become the person I have always wanted to be....


  1. Bartending classes are always fun, and the upside is you can develop a skill you can use for a lifetime!

  2. I hate people moving my stuff. I have a system. Don’t fuck with it.

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