I don’t know why I quit drinking…..
And I know exactly why, and I don’t know why I could lie to you all much less myself. I finally started putting my life together, something coherent and cohesive I don’t think I’ve ever had in my entire life. I was sober for almost a year to pursue my dreams and make them come true.
And then they were.
And somewhere in the hustle and rush I sat down at a bar for dinner. As I lit up a cigarette, the bartender asked what I wanted to drink. The smell of beer, especially draft, is something I’ve grown averse too, but I heard myself say the words: “Do you have Belvedere? If so, Belv and cran. Tall glass. Please.”
It tasted so sweet, so smooth, so delicious. I was never a vodka cran person, or a vodka person really (More the crown and ginger, beam and seven type) for a while (because my ex and I drank vodka together, coming back and trying to be “straight” I picked a more masculine beverage), I was more beer-and-shots but somewhere I found myself in heaven.
Three drinks and I am close to shit faced.
Two months later I sit at a bar crying over my ex….who was next to me. Drunk me enjoyed being around him and entertaining maybe…..maybe we could be together. Heh. Right. Because the warmth makes me rationalize that he’s changed and he’s not king of the castle anymore but actually an awesome human being who will love me forever. I am breaking so many rules at that moment. I do a shot of Rumpleminze. Then I’m waking up at home 15 hours later. My car is parked crazy in the front yard and my stomach heaves when I stand up. I drove through the same intersection at the same time three years after a DUI conviction and have no memory of it.
Yeah, I’m bad off.
I think the stickler was when people started treating drunk me like a different person, when I couldn’t shift gears well enough to keep school as a priority, when I got fed up, when the emotional bullshit started going down. Whatever emotion I felt when I drank was pushed and molded and fueled a thousand times by alcohol. And then that one night that I wasn’t even overly drunk but I browbeated a closet case who was hollering at one of my female best friends into giving me a blunt of weed mixed with cocaine.
I am not an alcoholic, I spent almost no money on booze and have had maybe three drinks. But devouring some lethal combination of whatever on my way to driving home…..
I make me sick sometimes.
I am excited for the new year heralded by my birthday today. For years I left pieces of me scattered across this city, from the country outlying tiny towns and broad open spaces, to the heart of the city, to the bridges and the islands, from the sunset on the beach to midnight in the ghetto. I am picking up those pieces and reshaping them into something. Maybe it won’t be the mirror that reflected who I was in the Before, before everything went off the rails. But stained glass held in place with brackets sure are pretty.